CHAPTER 12. Really Convoluted Metaphorical Horseshit

DAVE: i dunno who the flower is in this case

DAVE: shit what if im the flower

KARKAT: SO

KARKAT: DAVE

DAVE: no hold up that makes no fuckin sense i gotta rewind back to the beginning

KARKAT: ARE YOU GONNA KEEP MUMBLING TO YOURSELF OR CAN--

DAVE: oh shit sorry what

DAVE: i was just thinking through some really convoluted metaphorical horseshit

KARKAT: YEAH THAT WAS PRETTY FUCKING EVIDENT.

DAVE: my b bro

DAVE: what were you saying

KARKAT: I WAS SAYING I THOUGHT WE MIGHT GO, I DUNNO, ANYWHERE ELSE ON THE ENTIRE SHIP WHILE THE CLOTHES WERE WASHING.

KARKAT: SEEING AS THIS DECREPIT MACHINE WE WERE SO BLESSEDLY PROVIDED WITH MAKES A WHIRRING SOUND SO PANCHAFINGLY ARHYTHMIC THAT IT THREATENS TO ERADICATE THE ENTIRE CONCEPT OF TEMPO FROM THE UNIVERSE.

KARKAT: AND YET SOMEHOW BASICALLY ALL THAT HAS HAPPENED SINCE WE STARTED THE LOAD IS THAT YOU’VE BEEN USING IT AS A FUCKED UP BEAT TO WHISPER TO YOURSELF ABOUT FLOWERS TO.

KARKAT: AT THIS POINT I'M EITHER GOING TO NEED YOU TO SPEAK UP OR FOLLOW ME THE FUCK ON OUT OF HERE, BECAUSE THIS IS EXCRUCIATING.

DAVE: ok fine ill do the first one

KARKAT: GREAT. TURN UP THE FLOWER TALK VOLUME.

DAVE: so uh

DAVE: kanaya was telling me this kids story the other day about this dude who didnt cherish a flower enough until it peaced out to do flower stuff idk its not pertinent to the story

DAVE: except the flower was a person

DAVE: because it was a metaphor

KARKAT: YEAH LIKE YOU SAID,

DAVE: really convoluted metaphorical horseshit

KARKAT: REALLY CONVOLUTED METAPHORICAL HORSESHIT.

DAVE: yeah

DAVE: anyway what goes down in the story is that once the flower lady is out of the picture

DAVE: the main character goes around making all these connections between her and everything else in the universe until every damn thing feels like a symbol for how much he fucked up and how much he will never see her again

KARKAT: THIS SEEMS PRETTY FUCKING INTENSE FOR A KID'S STORY

DAVE: yea thats pretty much what i said

DAVE: but i guess its not so much what the story was technically textually about but more like the version of it kanaya internalized and then told me when we were talkin about how she misses rose

DAVE: so like now im taking the story she told me she was projecting her feelings onto and projecting my feelings on top of that

DAVE: this is just one big game of emotional projection telephone so feel free to go paraphrase it to roxy later and make it about whatever fuckin thing youre currently missing

KARKAT: YOUR ABILITY TO GET TO THE POINT

DAVE: gotem

DAVE: anyway you’re not gonna have to miss that skill of mine for long

DAVE: get ready for this shit because i am about to slap you with the point so hard youll fall ass first into the washer

DAVE: just scrambling around in there getting all sudsy

DAVE: but your brain is gonna be so blasted from the mindfreak of a point im about to make that there wont be anything left to clean

DAVE: are you ready

DAVE: karkat you havent made any kind of comment about how youre ready in a few seconds so

KARKAT: YEAH DAVE DROP THIS FUCKING BOMB ON ME.

DAVE: ok thanks

DAVE: so its genuinely cool that kanaya can go around creating meaning that may or may not be actually present in every little thing

DAVE: connecting every feeling she has to the idea of her wife existing out there

DAVE: so i told her she should keep that shit up

DAVE: but im having the opposite issue where im struggling to find anything to be that kind of tether because every single thing i could possibly consider about what it is were doing just reminds me of yet another thing to be afraid about

DAVE: so if you were looking for a more concentrated point

DAVE: the real point thats that point simmered in its own juices into a perfect point reduction

DAVE: here it is

DAVE: everything fuckin sucks huge cosmic donkey sack and im terrified

KARKAT: OK, SO I FEEL LIKE YOU SKIPPED A COUPLE NECESSARY STEPS IN YOUR POINT CLARIFICATION PROCESS.

KARKAT: I’M GOING TO RESIST THE URGE TO CONTINUE YOUR REDUCTION METAPHOR EVEN THOUGH I HAVE SOME INARGUABLY GOOD SHIT LINED UP FOR IT BECAUSE I’M AFRAID OF US GETTING TOO FAR OFF TRACK, HERE.

DAVE: ok but were you going with sweet or savory please give me that much at least

KARKAT: YEAH IT WAS GOING TO BE SUNDAE-BASED.

DAVE: nice

KARKAT: YEAH.

KARKAT: DO YOU WANNA WATCH MORE GBBO AFTER THIS?

DAVE: absolutely

KARKAT: GREAT. ANYWAY, LIKE I WAS SAYING, FOR THE LOVE OF SWEET HUMAN CHRIST, PLEASE BACK UP TO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU’RE ACTUALLY SCARED OF.

KARKAT: ALSO COME HERE, IDIOT.

DAVE: ok yeah this is a better position to unleash all my inner fears n anxieties from

DAVE: so uh

DAVE: like i said i talked to kan about it some

DAVE: and its not like weve not talked about it either but i dunno

DAVE: those times its like my mouth was saying words about the situation wherein our friends are AWOL and maybe dead but my brain wasnt fully letting me experience the emotion that goes along with them

DAVE: man its like i cant even start genuinely thinking about how afraid i actually am for rose and john without my brain flippin its wad and whiting out

DAVE: like haha fuck i hope theyre ok

DAVE: now i better make a fuckin joke before i succumb to the gaping mouth of despair waiting for me to fall in it as soon as i look down and acknowledge that its there ogling how juicy my ass looks as it trembles with terror

DAVE: and then if i think about either of them then its only a matter of time til i have to think about dirk too

DAVE: its an if you give a mouse a cookie situation but instead of more snacks its just another layer of fear about my loved ones

DAVE: and with dirk its

DAVE: whew

DAVE: i guess im just fucked up about how to worry about dirk and be angry at him at the same time

DAVE: because if i get as unholy pissed at him as i sometimes wanna be i also gotta admit to myself that maybe i coulda done something different there

DAVE: like if wed kept up better maybe there woulda been a point along the line where i could have said the right thing somehow and hed idk

DAVE: not stolen rose away on some nightmare family trip

DAVE: forcing us to accept the fact that hes our enemy now and chase after him for an unreasonably indeterminate number of years

DAVE: also like

DAVE: and this by the way adds a whole other layer of guilt on there that i dont really know how to fuckin reckon with but

DAVE: even with all the shit hes pulled and the fact that we are more or less heading toward having to take him down

DAVE: whatever that is gonna mean and whether or not he planned it like that

DAVE: i just

DAVE: me and him had come so far with each other and it was really cool for a while to have him and i

DAVE: ugh

DAVE: i dont WANT to hate him

KARKAT: IS THAT ALL? I’M POISED ON THE PRECIPICE OF REASSURANCE WITH MY COUNTER-RANT LOCKED AND LOADED BUT IT FEELS LIKE YOU’VE GOT MORE SHIT YOU’RE HOLDING BACK ON.

DAVE: yeah i got another thing

KARKAT: WELL THEN QUIT FUCKING PICKING AT THE SEAM ON MY SHORTS AND SPIT IT OUT. THEY'RE BARELY HANGING ON TO THE DEFINITION OF "SHORTS" AS IT IS.

DAVE: ok fuck its just

DAVE: ...

DAVE: the part i mentioned before about how we really have no goddamn clue how long this trip is even gonna take

DAVE: i cant help but feel like its barely getting revved up

DAVE: and for me and roxy and jade and callie and kan thats normal shit at best and boring at worst but we all have our immortality to thank for that

DAVE: we can just dick around in space for near-eternity waiting to catch up to our friends who may or may not be our enemies now and itll be fine

DAVE: i mean no itll be categorically miserable

DAVE: but well survive it

KARKAT: HOLD THE FUCK ON.

DAVE: but you

KARKAT: DAVE.

DAVE: no lemme say this

DAVE: we dont talk about it much and i got shit to say about it

DAVE: its not like i never thought about how youre mortal before but i just thought wed be able to figure it out before it mattered

DAVE: come up with some kind of plan

DAVE: i was just distracted being happy with you i fucking guess and so i didnt think up a way to fix it

DAVE: and now thanks to dirk we have to work it out right the fuck now

DAVE: because i cant spend this trip just sitting around watching you get old and die

DAVE: fuck ok one sec

KARKAT: OK SO I WAS WITH YOU FOR A WHILE, THERE.

KARKAT: BUT I HAVE TO LODGE A STERN ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOPE ON THAT LAST PART, DUDE.

KARKAT: FIRST OF ALL--

DAVE: im totally ready to hear you out on this one but can you like

DAVE: move your fucking legs

KARKAT: OH YEAH.

KARKAT: NO PROBLEM. SORRY, MAN.

DAVE: yea no worries

DAVE: ok go on

KARKAT: OK SO LIKE I WAS SAYING, I GET YOU ON THE FIRST PART.

KARKAT: IT'S NOT LIKE I'M NEW TO THE PARTICULAR MOOBEAST WRANGLING EVENT OF SOMEONE I PREVIOUSLY LOVED BRUTALLY TURNING ON ME AND LEAVING ME TO TRY AND CRAM MY FEELINGS ABOUT THE SITUATION BACK TOGETHER ALL ON MY OWN.

KARKAT: THAT IS UNEQUIVOCALLY A FUCKED UP AND COMPLICATED EMOTIONAL PLACE TO FIND YOURSELF IN, BUT I DON'T THINK YOU NEED TO BE OVER THERE MAKING IT MORE DIFFICULT BY BLAMING YOURSELF FOR THE FACT THAT THE EMOTIONS THEMSELVES ARE HARD TO PIN DOWN.

KARKAT: I'M NOT SAYING WE HANDLED EVERYTHING--OR REALLY EVEN MOST THINGS--ON EARTH C PERFECTLY, BUT ALSO YOU DID NOT SINGLEHANDEDLY PUT DIRK'S POOFY SHORTS'D ASS ON THAT SHIP.

KARKAT: HE DID THAT ON HIS OWN. AND WE MADE THE CHOICE TO GO AFTER HIM ON OUR OWN.

KARKAT: OK NOW ON TO THE PART I TAKE SOME MAJOR FUCKING OFFENSE TO.

KARKAT: I WAS FOLLOWING YOUR LITTLE TRAIL OF COOKIE CRUMB FEARS UNTIL IT LEAD TO THE BIG SNACK FINALE OF WORRY ABOUT MY FRAGILE MORTAL MEATSACK.

KARKAT: IF I HAVE SOMEHOW NOT BEEN CLEAR ABOUT THIS WITH YOU YET, LET ME GO AHEAD AND RECTIFY THE SITUATION RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.

KARKAT: HANGING OUT WITH YOU ON THIS LONG TRIP TO WHO THE SHITTING FUCK KNOWS WHERE IS QUITE LITERALLY THE HAPPIEST I HAVE EVER BEEN IN MY ENTIRE MEAGER EXISTENCE.

KARKAT: I'M SO ABSOLUTELY BLISSED THE FUCK OUT OF MY MIND TO BE ABLE TO LOOK AT YOUR STUPID IMMORTALLY SMOOTH HUMAN FACE SKIN EVERY DAY AND NOT HAVE A COMPLEX ABOUT IT.

KARKAT: LOOK AT ME, DAVE. I'M SAFE.

KARKAT: AND YEAH OKAY, IT'S NOWHERE NEAR PERFECT, YOU'RE RIGHT.

KARKAT: AND I'LL BE STRAIGHT WITH YOU. IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVEN'T BEEN EXPERIENCING SOME COMPLICATED GUILT, MYSELF.

KARKAT: THE FACT THAT I'M HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE JUST FUCKING CHILLAXING AND BEING IN LOVE IN SPACE IS A CLEARLY INCONGRUOUS WITH THE REASON I'M ACTUALLY HERE CHILLAXING TO BEGIN WITH, AND I'M NOT LETTING MYSELF FORGET THAT, EITHER.

KARKAT: BUT I RESENT THE IMPLICATION THAT MY HAPPINESS IS REGISTERING FOR YOU AS YOU HAVING TO JUST "SIT AROUND AND WATCH ME GET OLD," BECAUSE I KNOW YOU KNOW IT'S MORE THAN THAT.

KARKAT: LIKE, JESUS, DAVE. YOU KNOW I'M AFRAID FOR YOU, TOO, RIGHT?

KARKAT: OR DID YOU FORGET THE WHOLE HEROIC DEATH THING?

KARKAT: I WORRY ABOUT LOSING YOU FAIRLY FUCKING REGULARLY.

KARKAT: SO I’M NOT SAYING STOP BEING AFRAID, BECAUSE CLEARLY THIS IS A SITUATION THAT NECESSITATES A REASONABLE AMOUNT OF FEAR. BUT I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE NEEDING TO BE FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT, HERE.

KARKAT: IT'S LIKE THIS:

KARKAT: ONE: WE'VE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH HELLACIOUS PANWARPING TRAUMA THAT I REFUSE TO NOT ENJOY THIS SHIT WHEN I FINALLY FUCKING GET IT, NO MATTER HOW LONG IT MAY OR MAY NOT LAST.

KARKAT: TWO: IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE DOING NOTHING. WE’RE MOVING. WE’RE WORKING. WE’RE HEADED SPECIFICALLY TO A PLACE WHERE WE WILL UNDOUBTLEDLY ENDURE YET MORE FUCKING HELLACIOUS PANWARPING TRAUMA.

KARKAT: AND THREE: WE'RE DOING THAT BECAUSE WE HAVE FRIENDS WHO WE CARE ABOUT THAT NEED US. THAT IS OUR FOCUS, HERE. NOT OUR FEAR. IT'S ABOUT THE PEOPLE WE HAVE TO SAVE.

KARKAT: SO DON'T FUCKING WORRY ABOUT ME, DAVE. I'M FINE.