CHAPTER 11. History's Most Notorious Haters
DAVEBOT: and thats reason four hundred nineteen why despite my mans many accomplishments i will never acknowledge big skateboardings contrived message that tony hawk is the quintessential skater of our generation
ARADIA: o_o
DAVEBOT: not in these trying times
DAVEBOT: beep boop
ARADIA: i have told you several times that i was a robot before and i know for a fact you dont have to say beep boop
DAVEBOT: hm that sounds fake does not compute
ARADIA: david
DAVEBOT: mom
The Knight and the Maid stare at each other briefly, having exchanged enough meaningful glances over their time together to know when to drop it.
ARADIA: i think we have exchanged enough meaningful glances over our time together to know when to drop this
DAVEBOT: what i enjoy about our conversations is that you just say things like that
ARADIA: oh is that what you enjoy
ARADIA: well we are both an infinite number of years old living countless lifetimes at once but thats no reason to waste any of our...
She knows how this will play out, having undoubtedly tried this joke on her friend in some timeline or another. Their rapport reflects a unique combination of their matching aspects but greatly differing classes. One a passive but powerful servant to time, the other wielding the aspect like a honed blade.
DAVEBOT: time
DAVEBOT: say time
ARADIA: ...
DAVEBOT: time then make a weird face
ARADIA: ........
DAVEBOT: waste time
DAVEBOT: time
ARADIA: .............
DAVEBOT: i experience all points of time simultaneously please just say time and make a weird face
This is true.
ARADIA: ..................
DAVEBOT: cmon megido youre killing me clocks ticking
ARADIA: ...
ARADIA: time o_o
The Maid casts a furtive glance around the empty crew quarters, as though to search for someone more sympathetic to her bit.
ARADIA: tough crowd
DAVEBOT: ok heres one
DAVEBOT: how old do you think you are
ARADIA: emotionally?
ARADIA: that is a pretty heavy topic
DAVEBOT: you know damn well thats not what i meant
ARADIA: you know I have been through a lot dave
DAVEBOT: ok
ARADIA: its just so kind of someone
DAVEBOT: ok i get it
ARADIA: to finally ask how i feel
ARADIA: i am beside myself with emotions
ARADIA: i want to open up
DAVEBOT: jesus christ
ARADIA: shall i open up about my past traumas to you
ARADIA: would you enjoy that
ARADIA: to think even a frog like me can work through their pain with a dear friend
ARADIA: you have truly blessed me on this day dave strider
DAVEBOT: i know you arent a frog anymore which is fucking tragic
DAVEBOT: can you imagine
DAVEBOT: the absolutely insane tomfoolery we could get into
DAVEBOT: just getting into some real frog based scenarios
DAVEBOT: times fun when youre having flies
ARADIA: yes that is how the saying goes
ARADIA: sorry to disappoint :o
DAVEBOT: im glad you finally said something
DAVEBOT: was thinking that apology might never come
DAVEBOT: practically giving me a complex how before now you never apologized to me that you arent a frog anymore
DAVEBOT: but apology accepted got the ribbits on lock
DAVEBOT: chronology respected got the tick got the tock
DAVEBOT: the clocks cuckoo im cocoa puffs the stuffs no mystery
DAVEBOT: serial scions of time psionic robot calibrate history
DAVEBOT: hoes mad hoes sad hoes a concept not a fact
DAVEBOT: lacking tact i stay stacked while i breach contract
DAVEBOT: sacred vows disavowed got divorce fever
DAVEBOT: i leave her
DAVEBOT: dont look back dont perceive her
ARADIA: do you want to talk about it :(
DAVEBOT: about what
ARADIA: would you say you are hung up on leaving your wife and friends behind
DAVEBOT: are you
ARADIA: am i hung up about leaving your wife and friends behind
ARADIA: i do not think that i am no
DAVEBOT: arent you even a little guilty about ditching your boyfriend
ARADIA: what
ARADIA: oh fuck
[S] (Gaze.)(View on beyondcanon.com)
SOLLUX: h0w the fuck am i g0ing t0 get d0wn fr0m here.
ARADIA: he is probably ok
DAVEBOT: so youre telling me you dont even feel a little bad that you ditched him to be a weird death acolyte
ARADIA: no i think he found my wiles both charming and irresistible
DAVEBOT: not even an ounce of guilt or self doubt huh
DAVEBOT: just like that
DAVEBOT: no conversations about the greater good
DAVEBOT: no revelations about your feelings
DAVEBOT: no dead presidents spouting wisdom about your brotherdad and bequeathing unto you an ancient soulbot
ARADIA: whats a president
DAVEBOT: see that doesnt work because i know you know what a president is
ARADIA: shit
ARADIA: do you often find your faith in yourself shaken like this or is it a new experience now that your mortal coil has been left behind
DAVEBOT: what
ARADIA: do you think now that all that is left of you is a literal ghost inside of a machine you are more or less likely to embrace finality
DAVEBOT: oh dope more cult of one shit
DAVEBOT: immortality changed you
ARADIA: could it be that you are projecting your feelings onto my situation
DAVEBOT: does not compute rose jr
ARADIA: ...
ARADIA: we dont have to talk about it
DAVEBOT: thanks
JADE: They sit in each other's presence, the silence between them as meaningful as any words they could exchange.
DAVEBOT: its always really cool to hear how meaningful my silences are
DAVEBOT: especially while
DAVEBOT: CALCULATING
DAVEBOT: CALCULATING
DAVEBOT: especially while i am attempting to experience them
JADE: i do not need your approval. the story will continue how it must.
DAVEBOT: beep boop hater detected
ARADIA: wow is that true
JADE: i am not a hater.
DAVEBOT: classic hater line
DAVEBOT: i know this because i am pouring through genuine actual quadrabytes of information on historys most notorious haters
JADE: no, you aren’t.
DAVEBOT: huge if true
ARADIA: dave do you think i am a hater
DAVEBOT: you are the exact opposite of a hater
ARADIA: a liker
DAVEBOT: ok
DAVEBOT: perfect example your tolerance for whatever is going on with
DAVEBOT: all this
ARADIA: i think she looks quite lovely covered in the viscera of the all-powerful enemy she consumed
ARADIA: floating lifelessly in our periphery
ARADIA: observing our every action and noting its relevance :)
DAVEBOT: uh huh thats what i mean
DAVEBOT: can we scrounge up a change of clothes or something
DAVEBOT: maybe some sort of outfit montage
DAVEBOT: she comes out of the changing room in some sort of bozo outfit for clowns
DAVEBOT: we shake our heads disapprovingly
DAVEBOT: no no not this one
DAVEBOT: she goes back into the changing room we give each other one of those meaningful glances
ARADIA: what would she do without us
DAVEBOT: she emerges again this time looking fresh as hell
DAVEBOT: our judgemental ways have done it again
DAVEBOT: socially shamed into looking completely fucking dope
ARADIA: o_o
JADE: even though i understand that it must happen, i am growing frustrated with the direction of this conversation.
DAVEBOT: do you want to talk about something else stinky
JADE: what would you suggest?
The Knight takes pause, carefully considering the options. They have a long journey ahead together and an establishing an antagonistic relationship would prove-
DAVEBOT: ok hear me out
DAVEBOT: kanaya
DAVEBOT: but like
DAVEBOT: wearing huge jorts
Moments like these are not rare, and serve a valuable function to the story. They are able to show a passage of time with the bulk of the emotional labor of a lengthy bonding process happening off screen. How did we get here? What have they been through? These questions are often better left open to individual interpretation and can give the one interpreting a sense of ownership of the story.
JADE: As a point of curiosity-
ARADIA: oh shit!!!!
The dead Cherub possessing the body of an equally deceased Goddess of Space pauses at the interruption. Were she to voice her opinion, it would be that --actually-- it is not unusual for those whose primary concern is The Grander Scheme to have a passing curiosity about the insignificant. So when one really thinks about it, any annoyance with the attendant’s small mindedness is both understandable and warranted.
ARADIA: :(
JADE: as a point of order, you never answered dave’s question.
ARADIA: which one he is very chatty
JADE: you experience time in a way that is woefully unfamiliar to me and it has... piqued my curiosity enough to learn more.
ARADIA: ?_?
DAVEBOT: shes asking how old you are
ARADIA: in this form our bodies stop aging once we reach maturity i think
ARADIA: the god tier keeps our physical form locked in a state of undying
ARADIA: even in death the bodies do not decay
ARADIA: only lay dormant
DAVEBOT: no thats boring
DAVEBOT: like how long have you been alive
JADE: yes, that one.
The Knight, though at times purposefully obtuse, is sharp and observant. This can sometimes offer a refreshing balance to the usual layers of pretense.
ARADIA: oh maybe a few hundred years or so
DAVEBOT: what
JADE: what?
ARADIA: well if i had known you were going to be so judgy about it
DAVEBOT: when did this happen
ARADIA: oh i spent some time in other doomed realities and timelines and came back before anybody could tell i was gone
DAVEBOT: oh just out for a bit of fun then
DAVEBOT: just hopped on over to a different reality
DAVEBOT: real casual like
DAVEBOT: oh hello dont mind me just popping in to see if it really is as doomed as they say it is
DAVEBOT: did not disappoint
ARADIA: yes almost exactly like that :)
DAVEBOT: who did you hang out with are they cooler than me
ARADIA: it is complicated to explain
DAVEBOT: oh ok nevermind then
DAVEBOT: all clear
DAVEBOT: a whole alternate universe ripe with the coolest motherfuckers imaginable
ARADIA: you were there too i threw your air conditioner into the sun
DAVEBOT: wow thats fucked up
DAVEBOT: thats not where that goes at all
JADE: these events are not-canonical.
ARADIA: rude
DAVEBOT: i think what the ghost possessing a corpse of my ex is trying to say
DAVEBOT: and correct me if im fucking wrong
DAVEBOT: which for the record im not
DAVEBOT: is that the trope of being hundreds of years old but looking young forever patently sucks ass
DAVEBOT: a plot device an asshole would write
ARADIA: :(
JADE: that is not what i am trying to say at all.
DAVEBOT: hmm wow yeah thatd really be a sort of pot/kettle situation i guess
DAVEBOT: i cant believe im the only woke one here
DAVEBOT: its hard being such a visionary AND such a fine metallic specimen
DAVEBOT: but im an altruist first and fucking foremost
ARADIA: so selfless
JADE: yes, the greater narrative is truly blessed by your beneficent presence.
DAVEBOT: oh so you got jokes now huh
JADE: i have always had the ‘jokes’ of which you speak, but i have heretofore exercised restraint in laying you low.
JADE: i possess knowledge of many of your iterations, as the scope of my powers allows me to exist in several narrative structures at once.
DAVEBOT: but can she see why kids love the sweet cinnamon taste of cinnamon toast crunch
JADE: i do not know, or care, what that means.
ARADIA: neither do i :)
JADE: its cultural significance to you as an earthling is wasted on the two of us entirely, as we have not conflated the misguided notion of clinging to nostalgic cereal advertisement trivia with socially relevant conversation.
JADE: one could say that your reference is lost to
ARADIA: .....
JADE: ......
ARADIA: .......
JADE: time
ARADIA: ouo
