CHAPTER 14. The Best Laid Plans
HARRY: oh my god, i'm wiped.
HARRY: haven't felt this happy to be plastered to the couch in forever.
JOHN: are you?
JOHN: wow, i feel like i'm barely keeping myself sitting.
JOHN: if it weren't for keeping you kids safe i'd be out there right now!
HARRY: well we did just do a whole lot of running around for no good reason.
HARRY: and some of us aren't gods and shit.
JOHN: i'm detecting a hint of judgement in your voice, there, harry anderson
JOHN: don't you enjoy being a part of all this? finally getting to be in the thick of it all?
HARRY: i mean i was having a fine time at school, if i'm being honest.
HARRY: all this tear-assing back and forth between my home and various points of interest over the past few days has me pretty beat.
HARRY: also i wouldn't call this "the thick of it all"
JOHN: oof, getting air quotes'd by my own son.
JOHN: we had to hide in a forsythia bush on the way back here when that drone flew by!
JOHN: that's the thick of father-son hijinks if i ever saw it!
JOHN: well, modern day war hijinks, but i'll take what i can get, you know??
HARRY: yeah, i guess.
HARRY: i'm not knocking the old adrenaline thrill, or helping out vrissy's moms or anything.
HARRY: i'm just saying i was literally just here and you told me to leave, so i hope this is where we're gonna park it for a minute.
HARRY: a boy's gotta breathe.
JOHN: yeah, well, this wasn't my plan, either.
JOHN: but rose sent out some false intel about us heading toward my house, so technically this is the safest place we can be right now, since they cleared the area and everything.
JOHN: i guess.
HARRY: hmm.
JOHN: what?
HARRY: now YOU look like you're hiding some extra commentary.
JOHN: oh, i don't need to burden you with all the bureaucratic stuff, it's boring.
HARRY: well now hold up, dad.
HARRY: a minute ago you were all "we're in the fight together," and now you're backing out of sharing the details?
JOHN: it's not really-
HARRY: am i a part of this or not?
JOHN: well i'd sure say you were!
JOHN: but i guess maybe my thoughts on what is or isn't right for the operation aren't up to snuff.
JOHN: because here i am, sitting in the dugout, same as you.
HARRY: in the dugout?
JOHN: oh, or, uh...
JOHN: what's a metaphor you might like better...
HARRY: no,
JOHN: i'm like the uhh...understudy.
HARRY: dad. no, jesus, you don't have to do this.
JOHN: or i got cast in as babysitter number 2 when i had auditioned for, i dunno,
HARRY: yeah, please, i got the baseball metaphor.
HARRY: i'm not a complete fucking nerd.
JOHN: oh i see.
HARRY: i was just like acknowledging that we've been sidelined, here.
HARRY: not that i mind, personally, since like i said i am super stoked to be relaxin on the couch and not fighting a war.
HARRY: plus i wouldn’t have been able to get your measurements for some clothes that actually fit you if we hadn’t come back here where all my sewing stuff is.
HARRY: but it seemed like you, uh.
HARRY: you were getting pretty into everything back there with rose and them? getting to be with the old crew and everything, like the stories you told me about the game?
JOHN: yeah.
HARRY: that sucks.
JOHN: i had a good plan, too!
JOHN: it just wasn't good enough for karkat, i guess.
JOHN: i'm just not "experienced enough in combat strategy"
HARRY: oh now you're throwing the air quotes back at me?
JOHN: no, those are for karkat!
HARRY: oh ok then, fair game.
JOHN: look at us, bantering away.
JOHN: that is a plus of being here, at least.
JOHN: it's been really nice to get to spend so much time with you.
HARRY: um. yeah, it's not so bad.
HARRY: anyway, before you ruffle my hair or anything, it looks like things are getting a bit heated between the vriskas over there.
HARRY: maybe we should offer them a snack to bring the mood back down?
JOHN: me, mess up your hair when you’ve worked so hard on that look? i do know you at least that well, harry anderson
HARRY: thank god.
VRISSY: Um...Hey, Vriska?
VRISSY: Are you okay??
VRISSY: Just you’ve Been Kind of quiet.
VRISKA: Oh????????
VRISKA: So you actually want to know what I’m thinking now? You want my opinion?
VRISSY: Um...Yes?
VRISSY: I'm not Really Sure what’s going on right Now.
VRISKA: What?
VRISSY: I just was wondering why you’re so pissed off at me.
VRISKA: What the fuck are you talking about?
VRISKA: I’m not pissed at you, you haven’t done shit 8asically at all since I’ve been here.
VRISKA: I just can’t 8elieve I’m 8ack stuck in this tacky rumpusblock after all of that!
VRISKA: I’m going to look like an idiot if I don’t get out there.
VRISSY: I don’t Think any8ody is going to notice?
VRISSY: I guess you Did go Viral, 8ut the news moves so fast these days. I don’t think Any8ody is like...
VRISSY: Glued to their phones Waiting for your New Hashtag Resistance content.
VRISSY: We could do Something if You Wanted.
VRISKA: Huh?
VRISSY: If you’re 8ored.
VRISSY: This isn’t my House, but Harry has video games and Movies and shit.
VRISSY: Actually, we’re pro8a8ly 8etter off not watching his movies.
VRISSY: His taste is Worse than His Dad’s.
VRISKA: AGGGHHH!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: No, I don’t want to watch a fucking movie! How the fuck can you think a8out movies?????????
VRISKA: How are you okay with any of this?
VRISSY: Any of What?
VRISKA: 8eing left at home like a couple of dri88ling of wigglers!
VRISKA: How are you so calm right now? Your lusii were training you, right? And you’re a troll, you’re definitely five times stronger than a human! And if you’re my clone, you are way more 8adass than little miss Fussy Fangs.
VRISKA: I can’t 8elieve you just stayed 8ehind?!??
VRISSY: Well...they told me to. And they’re my Moms.
VRISKA: And you just listen to everything they say?
VRISSY: No, not Really. I used to Sneak out a Lot, and they’d a8solutely Flip their Shit if they ever got into my Search History.
VRISSY: 8ut I guess this Situation is Kind of Serious?
VRISSY: There’s a whole Plan and Stuff Like that.
VRISKA: Clearly not a good plan, 8ecause then I would 8e part of it!
VRISKA: What’s the point of me even coming to this shitty fake reality if I’m not supposed to fix it?
VRISSY: I think they’ve Got A Strategy, or Whatever.
VRISKA: That’s just even more indication that they don’t know what they’re doing! Lalonde and Maryam have had however many sweeps to get older and stupider, 8ut from where I’m standing, it was literally only a few days ago that I was their commander! I am primed for the 8attlefield!
VRISKA: I ran their shit!
VRISSY: Wait, really? they never told me That.
VRISKA: I thought you said you knew some lore. You know about Tavros and Terezi, you told me you do!
VRISSY: Yeah, they told me about That stuff, but a Lot of the Shit that Happened in the Session if just not in the History Books.
VRISSY: You weren’t Really mentioned that Much.
VRISKA: Excuse me?
VRISSY: People know who you Are, 'cause we had to Memorize the names of Every one of the Players, Even the ones who didn’t last very Long.
VRISKA: You’re trying to tell me that there’s a whole recorded history of SGRUB, and I’m not in it?
VRISSY: You’re not not in it.
VRISSY: I guess they Mostly Focused on the Creators who Ascended, you know?
VRISKA: Whoever was schoolfeeding you was a complete 8ulgesucker, because I “ascended” 8efore any of the humans did!!
VRISKA: Literally 8illions of years 8efore, since our session was the one that created theirs!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: I was the 8ne who 8uided John’s 8uffoonish 8lue ass all the way through his first 8ew days in the Medium!
VRISKA: I m8de all the plans to take down the J8cks!
VRISKA: I SINGLE H8ND8DLY!
VRISKA: CURED YOUR MOTHER’S FUCKING ALCH8LISM!!!!!!!!
JOHN: uh, vriska, everything okay over there?
VRISKA: EVERYTHING’S FINE, J8HN!
JOHN: okay.
JOHN: do you girls want a snack?
VRISKA: AAAAGGH!
VRISSY: Yeah, actually a Snack sounds Great, Mr. Eg8ert.
JOHN: i’m not sure what we’ve got, i uh.
JOHN: don’t actually live here haha.
HARRY: vriska, eat whatever.
HARRY: just not the zebra cakes, those are mine.
JOHN: so anyway, as you can see, this would have worked just fine!
HARRY: no i think karkat’s right. this looks like shit, dad.
JOHN: you know, me letting your earlier use of the word "fuck" slide wasn't a blanket approval for all cursing in front of me.
HARRY: sorry.
HARRY: try not to make such a shit plan, and i won't call it that.
JOHN: haha wow.
HARRY: it's not like i think i'm any better!
HARRY: i mean, i still can't believe i told vrissy and them to bring a dead celebrity to school.
HARRY: what was i THINKING.
JOHN: you were thinking it sounded hilarious!
JOHN: but yeah, in hindsight, maybe not the best call.
JOHN: maybe it’s genetic?
HARRY: yeah.
HARRY: i kinda can’t believe we’re all still alive, actually.
HARRY: and how did YOU make it this far, being so bad at this?
JOHN: i had my friends with me, i guess.
They are silent for a bit. John doesn’t want to go on a reminiscing jaunt, which Harry Anderson stopped finding impressive a few years ago. Plus, they haven’t really had time to talk about what happened with Dave, yet, and he doesn’t want to tank the mood by bringing him up. The rapport they’ve built feels good. Stronger than he expected. He’d spent so long seeing mostly the best parts of Roxy in Harry Anderson. He forgot, he guesses, to look for himself in there, too. And if what they have in common right now is a lack of strategic foresight, hey, he’ll take it.
JOHN: speaking of friends, i will say the snacks were a good call, at least!
JOHN: i don’t hear any more screaming, anyway.
JOHN: see, that's one good plan between the two of us!
HARRY: oh, that was definitely them leaving, wasn’t it.
JOHN: ah.
JANE: Well, isn't this just heartwarming? The prodigal daughter returned to the loving bosom of her family.
ROSE: Oh, is this one of those rare and marvelous beasts, the "villain speech"?
ROSE: I've written one or two in my time.
ROSE: I'm on the edge of my seat. I hope it's better than your political material; I've always found that rather trite.
JANE: I haven't given a political speech in years, Ms. Lalonde. I don't know what you're referring to. I'm just a simple business woman.
JADE: right with her own talk show
JADE: and multi billion dollar merchant company and lobbying groups!
JANE: That's what a business woman is, Jade, dear.
JANE: But enough of that. I'll skip straight to the point.
JANE: You are on my territory, in the presence of my secret police, laying your hand on my investment.
JANE: You think I come anywhere unprepared? I haven't left the house without an armed guard in years.
ROSE: Is it the libidinous power rush that comes from snapping your fingers at men with guns, or are you worried that you might accidentally do something heroic?
JANE: Your ship is in contested airspace. You will land, whereby it will be confiscated by the Royal Human Guard. After that you will be taken into custody.
JANE: All of you. Let's call it a family vacation, shall we? Hoo hoo hoo.
JADE: wow could you be any more full of yourself??
JADE: shut the fuck up for a minute and look up!
KANAYA: If You Make One Single Move I Will Bite Him Directly On The Exterior Shout Tunnel
KANAYA: I Will Turn Your Son Into A Rainbow Drinker
KANAYA: Then You Will Have A Rainbow Drinker Son
JANE: That's not how troll vampirism works, don't treat me like an imbecile!
JANE: You think I don't know everything there is to know about your disgusting biology?
KANAYA:
KANAYA: Okay Then I Will Just Break His Fucking Neck
JADE: right
JADE: listen to kanaya shes having a bad day!
KANAYA: Im Having A Bad Week
ROSE: I know you have never trusted Kanaya with any of the children in the past.
ROSE: Let that distrust be the instrument of your undoing.
ROSE: If any harm comes to us, or Yiffy, or if you attempt to shoot us down or in any other way disable our escape--
ROSE: Then you kill your son.
Jane Crocker hesitates.
This is something that she used to do regularly. Hesitate. Stop and think and weigh her options. Talk out every possible scenario and the impact they might have, morally and optically and socially. What would the political apparatus think? What would her social media followers think, her friends? As the years went by and she honed her instincts, she found herself doing this less and less. The impact that her words made became lessened when spread out across such a wide and thirsty audience, as public sentiment began to swing her way. She stopped thinking about how she would be received, and more about how she could play to the people she knew would receive her favorably.
Looking up she sees Tavvy with tears in his eyes. Rage and guilt surge inside her. This situation is not her fault.
JANE: This situation is not my fault!
JANE: You're coming here and accusing me of kidnapping your daughter, when you're the ones who kidnapped my son!
JANE: So before you accuse me, take a look at yourself!
JANE: I'm the only one who has taken any interest in her upbringing or education!
JANE: Or have you forgotten who has been paying for her schooling and taking charge of her introduction into society?
JADE: i never asked you to do that!
JADE: you offered!
JADE: so stop calling me ungrateful for not sucking your dick over things i never asked for!
Jane pulls in a steadying breath. Behind her, she hears the click of cameras and the murmur of newscasters. The world is watching her be dressed down by a couple blood traitor rebels, one of which has very prominent dog ears. Jane wonders if either of them are even recognizable to the assembled as two of the old gods. One of her PR managers had recommended that she keep her look as static as possible, so that people can always recognize her as Jane Crocker, Captain of Industry, Creator of Earth C, Maintainer of Peace and Plenty.
She can't just stand here and let herself be humiliated, allowing two architects of the insurgency mess her around like this.
If they were to kill Tavros, the entire world would see them commit this war crime. And weighed in the balance, Lalonde and Harley would be off the playing board. Saving your daughter certainly counted as a heroic death, and with the damage they'd done to humanity, it would also probably be just.
Tavros has not called out for her once. Perhaps he knows what her choice was always going to be.
JAKE: Tavvy!
JANE: Stand down!
JANE: Get out of my sight.
Vriska Maryam-Lalonde, recently "Vrissy," and potentially "You Are So Grounded You Are Never Leaving The House Again," isn’t what’s commonly referred to as an "outside girl".
She likes grass. It’s fine! To look at. And so are trees, as long as they’re somewhere off in the distance, swaying gently in the breeze. Trampling through them is not on the list of acceptable tree activities. Vrissy is already sweaty and dirt-streaked, and there’s probably like fifty gnats trying to drink her eye fluids. At this rate she almost envies Tavros his role as Batterwitch Bait. Sure, he has to pretend to be threatened by Vrissy’s mom, which is lame as hell and also very embarrassing, but at least his eye fluids are safe.
VRISSY: Hey, can you slow Down a Little?
VRISSY: I have to run over Shru8s and shit, I can’t Fly!
VRISKA: Hah! And who’s fault is that????????
VRISSY: My shitty 8iology I guess!
VRISSY: Sorry, not all of Us had SGRU8 Sessions to make ourselves Immortal.
VRISKA: Well, we’ll take care of that, don’t even worry a8out it.
VRISSY: Lol I wish.
VRISSY: Ms. Roxy was talking about coming up with some sort of Autonomous Flying Device, 8ut it got Shot Down by the Council.
VRISKA: What the fuck is that?
VRISSY: A Governing 8ody, sort of? I’m not actually Sure how much Power they have anymore, what with the 8atterwitch seizing control of everything.
VRISSY: 8ut they were really against any8ody who wasn’t a Creator 8eing a8le to fly, Since it’s sort of a Religious Thing.
VRISKA: Oh.
VRISKA: Well that’s fucking stupid?? What good is a religion that stops your society from 8eing a8le to advance?
VRISKA: How could John even let this happen? Don’t answer that, I know it’s 8ecause he’s spent sweeps 8eing a sweaty loser.
VRISKA: But anyway, that wasn’t what I meant. Sure, you could get a fucking jetpack or whatever, 8ut ultimately that isn’t going to cut it.
VRISKA: I had rocket 8oots that I used at the 8eginning of my session, who didn’t? That’s wiggler shit.
VRISKA: You can’t start to rely on tech, it 8reaks, and enemies can sa8otage it.
VRISKA: Really, we have to get you a god tier. That’s pretty much the only solution at this point.
VRISKA: Ideally we’d go back to when you were a wiggler and start your training right away, 8ut that’s not exactly an option. So god tier it is.
VRISSY: Is that even Possi8le? outside of the Game?
VRISKA: Nope. 8ut we don’t have to worry a8out that, once we get back into SGRU8.
VRISSY: What???
VRISKA: We have to start this shit over again, you have all let it get so out of hand there’s really nothing to do besides a hard reset.
VRISSY: Oh.
VRISSY: Uh... how are you going to do that?
VRISKA: I’ve got a plan.
VRISKA: Look, up ahead.
VRISSY: What?
VRISSY: A SGRU8 session?
VRISKA: What? No, what the fuck.
VRISKA: This is a perfect spot for a fight. An am8ush point.
VRISSY: !!
VRISKA: Don’t worry about it, that’s good. That’s what we’re looking for.
VRISSY: Uh... who are we Ambushing?
VRISKA: Don’t 8e stupid, we’re the ones being am8ushed.
VRISSY: !!!!!!
VRISKA: HA your face is priceless.
VRISKA: This is actually way more fun than I thought it would 8e.
VRISKA: 8ringing around a younger, dum8er me.
VRISSY: I think we’re 8asically the Same Age.
VRISKA: Whatever!
VRISSY: Oh Fuck
VRISKA: Finally!!!!!!!!
JOHN: vriska!
JOHN: i mean, vriskas!!
JOHN: where are
JOHN: oh fuck
KARKAT: ROUGH DAY, HUH.
JOHN: karkat?
JOHN: what are you doing here?
KARKAT: IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU TOO.
KARKAT: JOHN, YOU MAY NOT HAVE NOTICED, BUT I AM THE LEADER OF AN ARMY. MY PLACE IS ON THE BATTLEFIELD.
JOHN: i suppose that is true, but that doesn't answer my question!
JOHN: this isn't a battlefield, it's just...
KARKAT: THE OBLITERATED, SMOLDERING HUSK OF YOUR FORMER HOME.
JOHN: well, yeah.
KARKAT: WHICH WAS DESTROYED AS COLLATERAL IN AN ONGOING MILITARY CONFLICT.
JOHN: oh all right, fine.
JOHN: it just feels weird to call it that.
JOHN: i guess i'm used to thinking of home as somewhere far away from all that war stuff.
KARKAT: JESUS *CHRIST* JOHN.
KARKAT: I CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO LIST ALL THE WAYS IN WHICH THAT CONSTITUTES A SHORT-SIGHTED AND PUKE-WORTHILY IGNORANT THING TO SAY TO ME, PERSONALLY.
KARKAT: AND FRANKLY I DON'T HAVE TIME TO BOTHER, THANKS TO THE COUNTLESS FIRES I HAVE BEEN PUTTING OUT ALL DAY, THE ONE PRESENTLY CONSUMING YOUR HIVE NOTWITHSTANDING.
KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE MADE THINGS GO A BIT MORE SMOOTHLY? JUST A FRACTION?
KARKAT: IF YOU HADN'T JUST DECIDED TO WANDER OFF THE INSTANT SHIT STARTED HAPPENING.
JOHN: jeez, i'm sorry karkat.
JOHN: i had no idea how much time had passed.
JOHN: i must have gotten a bit distracted by my house being blown up.
KARKAT: NOT WANTING TO POINT OUT THE OBVIOUS, BUT I FEEL LIKE THIS WAS A PROBLEM THAT YOU OF ALL PEOPLE WERE UNIQUELY AND MAGICALLY EQUIPPED TO DEAL WITH.
JOHN: huh?
KARKAT: YOU KNOW.
KARKAT: WITH YOUR SHOOSH THING.
JOHN: my shoosh thing.
KARKAT: YOUR SHOOSH THING.
KARKAT: THE GUSTY NONSENSE? THE GIFT OF GAS??
KARKAT: YOUR SBURB ALLOCATED BLOW JOB???
JOHN: uh.
KARKAT: THE SUPERNATURAL COMMUNION YOU HAVE WITH ALL THINGS WINDY, YOU ASS!!
JOHN: oh right, that.
JOHN: that would have let me put the fire out, maybe.
JOHN: i don't think there's anything in my skillset that would have unexploded my house though.
KARKAT: THAT'S FAIR.
JOHN: i suppose i'll add one more notch to the daily tally of crazy stuff that happened which i just have to accept as my life now.
JOHN: so...
JOHN: what else happened while i was caught up watching the symbolic representation of my former life get consumed in a giant fire ball?
KARKAT: OH BOY. WHERE TO START.
KARKAT: SO FIRST OFF, IN HINDSIGHT, TODAY WAS PRETTY OBVIOUSLY JUST ONE HUGE BAITED TRAP.
KARKAT: I SAY "IN HINDSIGHT", BUT FORTUNATELY IT WAS ALSO EXTREMELY APPARENT EVEN IN FORESIGHT TO THOSE OF US WHO SPENT A FEW SECONDS THINKING ABOUT IT.
JOHN: ...right.
KARKAT: OH COME ON EGBERT, SERIOUSLY?
KARKAT: KIDNAPPING A PERSON OF IMPORTANCE, ONLY TO LET US KNOW PRECISELY WHERE AND ON WHAT OCCASION THEY WOULD BE MOST ACCESSIBLE FOR A RESCUE ATTEMPT?
KARKAT: HAVING THAT OCCASION BE NONE OTHER THAN THE CORPSE PARTY OF A HIGHLY NOTEWORTHY POLITICAL FIGURE, WHOSE CASKET MIGHT AS WELL HAVE HAD A GIANT "KICK ME" SIGN DAUBED ON IT?
KARKAT: THERE WAS BASICALLY NO WAY IT WASN'T A FRONT FOR SOMETHING HUGE. AND IT WAS!
KARKAT: WE HAPPEN TO BE SITTING IN FRONT OF ONE FACET OF THAT HUGENESS AT THIS VERY MOMENT.
JOHN: well, when you put it like that...
JOHN: i guess we all got pranked pretty hard, huh.
KARKAT: THIS IS NO TIME FOR YOUR SHITTY NERD PRANKS JOHN.
KARKAT: FRANKLY I'M INSULTED THAT YOU THINK SUCH A WORD IS EVEN REMOTELY APPOSITE TO THE PRESENT SITUATION.
KARKAT: OTHER THAN TO DESCRIBE THE WAY I AM PERSONALLY BEING "PRANKED" BY REALITY IN HAVING TO EXPLAIN ALL THIS TO YOU.
KARKAT: ANYWAY, THE RESCUE ATTEMPT.
KARKAT: THIS IS THE ONLY POINT WHERE ANY SEMBLANCE OF GOOD NEWS COMES INTO PLAY, SO SAVOR IT.
JOHN: okay.
KARKAT: IT TURNS OUT THAT WE DIDN'T NEED TO PUT SO MUCH EFFORT INTO THE RESCUING YIFFY PART OF THE OPERATION.
KARKAT: SHE BASICALLY RESCUED HERSELF WHEN ALL WAS SAID AND DONE.
KARKAT: AND TOOK CARE OF KICKING GAMZEE'S CORPSEBOX OVER WHILE SHE WAS AT IT, IN A STUNNING DISPLAY OF EFFICIENCY WHICH THE REST OF US CAN ONLY ASPIRE TO.
JOHN: oh wow, haha.
JOHN: i knew she'd be a bit of a character, being rose and jade's daughter and all...
JOHN: but that's impressive!
JOHN: it sounds like she'd be a pretty welcome addition to your ranks then.
KARKAT: SHE'S A CHILD, YOU MORON.
KARKAT: OH, AND SPEAKING OF WHICH.
KARKAT: PAUSING BRIEFLY TO NOTE IN ADVANCE HOW MUCH I LOATHE THE FACT THAT THIS IS AN EVENTUALITY THAT THE UNIVERSE HAS *ONCE AGAIN* SEEN FIT TO CURSE US WITH:
KARKAT: THE VRISKAS, PLURAL.
JOHN: shit.
KARKAT: THEY'VE BOTH BEEN CAPTURED.
JOHN: shiiiiiiiit.
KARKAT: YEAH.
KARKAT: GREAT WORK KEEPING AN EYE ON THEM, BY THE WAY!
KARKAT: YOU LITERALLY HAD ONLY ONE JOB, AND YOU MESSED IT UP IN THE EQUALLY SINGULAR WAY IT WAS POSSIBLE TO DO.
JOHN: urgh, i know, i know. ):
KARKAT: HAVING SAID THAT, THIS WAS THE ONE THING UP CROCKER'S SLEEVE YOU COULD BE EXCUSED FROM NOT HAVING SEEN COMING.
KARKAT: I GUESS BECAUSE, ON THE FACE OF IT, IT'S JUST TOTALLY FUCKING BANANAS!
KARKAT: JANE'S PLAN FOR THIS CONFLICT HAS THUS FAR CONSISTED ALMOST ENTIRELY OF KIDNAPPING VARIOUS HIGH PROFILE CHILDREN.
KARKAT: IT'S BIZARRE.
KARKAT: AS THOUGH WE ARE FIGHTING A WAR OF ATTRITION, WHERE THE MAIN RESOURCE BEING UTILIZED IS THE OFFSPRING OF THE MOST POWERFUL PEOPLE ON THE PLANET.
KARKAT: IF IT WASN'T ONE OF THE CORE TENETS OF HER FASCISTIC PHILOSOPHY, I'D BE TEMPTED TO SAY THAT CURBING REPRODUCTION MIGHT HAVE BEEN A GOOD IDEA, IF ONLY TO PREVENT THIS KIND OF FUCKSHIT NONSENSE FROM HAPPENING.
JOHN: wait.
JOHN: wait a minute.
JOHN: you said that both vriskas have been captured, right?
KARKAT: EXCUSE ME WHILE I WEEP FOR JOY AT THE REVELATION THAT YOU HAVE BEEN PAYING ATTENTION FOR ONCE.
JOHN: okay, well putting that emotional outburst aside for a moment.
JOHN: how is that even possible?
JOHN: doesn't vriska, the original vriska, still have her magic alien mind control powers?
JOHN: it seems like it should be basically impossible for anyone to kidnap her.
KARKAT: YOU'VE STUMBLED ASS BACKWARDS ACROSS THE MOST IMPORTANT POINT OF THIS UNFORTUNATE DEVELOPMENT.
KARKAT: YOU ARE CORRECT, IN THAT WITH HER CASTE-TYPICAL, *COMPLETELY SCIENTIFIC AND NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT MAGICAL* PSYCHOMANIPULATIVE ABILITIES, STAYING OUT OF CROCKER'S REACH SHOULD HAVE BEEN COMPLETELY TRIVIAL FOR SERKET PRIME.
KARKAT: EVEN ACCOUNTING FOR THE FACT THAT SAID ABILITIES ARE NOT NEARLY AS POTENT ON HUMANS AS THEY ARE ON FELLOW TROLLS, THEY STILL OUGHT TO HAVE TIPPED ANY ALTERCATION SQUARELY IN HER FAVOR.
KARKAT: BUT SOMEHOW, IT DIDN'T!
KARKAT: INSTEAD, THINGS APPEAR TO HAVE GONE GLOBES UP IN CLASSIC VRISKITE FASHION, AND NOW ONE OF THE MOST UNEXPECTED AND UNWANTED BUT NEVERTHELESS USEFUL WEAPONS IN OUR ARSENAL IS DOING TIME IN CROCKERJAIL.
KARKAT: THAT'S ABOUT ALL WE'VE BEEN ABLE TO GLEAN FROM TAPPING INTO THE BATTERBITCH AIRWAVES, WHICH IS A FANCY TERM FOR EAVESDROPPING ON THOSE OF HER AGENTS WHO TALK A LITTLE TOO LOUDLY IN SEMI-PUBLIC SPACES.
JOHN: jeez.
JOHN: i really screwed that up, didn't i.
KARKAT: I'M RELIEVED TO SEE THAT YOUR GRASP OF THAT FACT IS PRETTY GOOD AT LEAST.
JOHN: ):
KARKAT: HAVING SAID ALL OF THAT, AND WITH THE RECOGNITION THAT I AM CHOOSING TO NURSE YOUR BRUISED FEELINGS DURING A PLANET WIDE CONFLICT FOR THE FATE OF MY SPECIES,
KARKAT: IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO TO EXPEDITE YOUR GETTING THE FUCK OVER IT?
JOHN: i... hm.
JOHN: i don't really know?
JOHN: this all feels wrong, karkat.
JOHN: no offense, but when you're around, it's usually a lot...
KARKAT: A LOT WHAT?
JOHN: a lot funnier.
KARKAT: FUNNIER.
JOHN: how to put this.
JOHN: normally listening to you go on and on about how much we've fucked everything up is just very funny!
JOHN: but now it's just not the same.
JOHN: maybe it's part of what's going on with this entire reality? i don't know.
JOHN: once upon a time i would have put down your ability to pull a silly rant out of your butt as a fundamental law of physics or something.
JOHN: remember back when we first knew each other?
JOHN: it felt like all you ever said to me was how much you thought i was screwing up and being a useless asshole.
JOHN: and once i realized that you were also just a dumb kid who didn't know what was going on, i started to kind of enjoy it.
JOHN: but now it's like... the only one who's still a dumb kid is me, and everyone else has something big and important going on that i just don't understand.
JOHN: i thought that i finally got what was going on with this whole war and everything. i wanted to be useful!
JOHN: i guess i got a little too wrapped up in the feeling of something finally happening again.
JOHN: and then watching it all blow up in my face, kind of literally now that i think about it...
JOHN: it's hard not to feel even more dejected about the situation than i was before.
JOHN: and now even the patented karkat vant rant has lost all its sparkle.
JOHN: maybe if you had like, painstakingly itemized a list of all the things wrong with my plan in a comically overdone fashion or something.
KARKAT: I CONSIDERED IT, BUT HONESTLY THERE WAS SO MUCH WRONG THAT I CONCLUDED THAT THE BEST THING FOR EVERYONE WOULD BE TO NEVER SPEAK OF IT AGAIN.
JOHN: oh. okay.
KARKAT: IF WE'RE BEING HONEST, YOU DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A PLAN, JOHN.
KARKAT: CALLING IT A PLAN WOULD IMPLY THAT IT WAS A STRUCTURED SEQUENCE OF STEPS DESIGNED TO ACHIEVE A GOAL.
KARKAT: WHAT YOU CAME UP WITH WAS A CONVOLUTED MESS WHICH STILL SOMEHOW INVOLVED DOING FUCKALL.
KARKAT: AND I USE CONVOLUTED HERE IN THE SAME WAY THAT I WOULD TO DESCRIBE THE FRENZIED DRAWSTICK SCRIBBLES OF A SQUALLING HUMAN INFANT.
KARKAT: SPEAKING OF WHICH:
KARKAT: DRAWING A SHITTY PICTURE WITH "THE ULTIMATE PLAN" AT THE TOP AND A BUNCH OF ARROWS DOES NOT, AND TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE HAS NEVER, CONSTITUTED AN ACTIONABLE PLAN.
KARKAT: DO NOT RESPOND TO THIS CRITICISM WITH ANOTHER MISERABLE EXPRESSION, I AM BEGGING YOU.
JOHN: okay ):
KARKAT: LOOK.
KARKAT: I APPRECIATE THAT YOU SEEM TO HAVE DUG YOUR PAN OUT OF YOUR OWN CHUTE THE FEW MICROMETERS NECESSARY TO NOTICE THE PRECISE DEGREE TO WHICH THE WORLD IS BEING JUDICIOUSLY BATFUCKED RIGHT NOW.
KARKAT: AS HARD AS IT IS TO BELIEVE, THAT'S A FEAT WHICH NO SMALL NUMBER OF PEOPLE ARE COMPLETELY INCAPABLE OF DOING!
KARKAT: BUT NOTICING THE PROBLEM AND MAKING MEANINGFUL PROGRESS TOWARDS SOLVING IT ARE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THINGS.
KARKAT: THE NEXT TIME YOU GET THE IMPULSE TO "LEND A HAND", YOU'D BE BETTER OFF CANNING IT FOR FIVE MINUTES AND LISTENING TO THOSE OF US WHO'VE BEEN TRYING TO SOLVE IT A LOT LONGER THAN YOU HAVE.
KARKAT: THIS ISN'T AN EXERCISE BEING CONDUCTED IN ORDER FOR YOU TO PROVE YOUR PERSONAL DEGREE OF MORAL RECTITUDE.
KARKAT: AND IF IT WAS, YOU WOULD HAVE ALREADY FAILED MISERABLY! SO DO YOURSELF AND EVERYONE ELSE A FAVOR AND STOP TREATING IT LIKE ONE.
JOHN: well... all right. if you say so karkat.
KARKAT: I DO SAY SO, EMPHATICALLY AND AT GREAT VOLUME.
KARKAT: AND NOW THAT MY OBLIGATION TO CATECHIZE YOU ON THE SUBJECT OF YOUR OWN LIFE IS FULFILLED, I HAVE A WAR TO GET BACK TO.
JOHN: wait, hold on.
KARKAT: OH MY GOD WHAT NOW.
JOHN: you can't be leaving already.
JOHN: there's... so much we still need to talk about!
KARKAT: OF COURSE I'M SHITTING LEAVING.
KARKAT: WHAT MORE COULD THERE POSSIBLY BE FOR US TO DISCUSS??
KARKAT: PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME YOU JUST HAD ANOTHER EMOTION THAT WE NEED TO DROP EVERYTHING IN ORDER TO DISSECT.
JOHN: no, that's not what i'm talking about at all.
JOHN: karkat, we still haven't spoken about *you*!
KARKAT: ABOUT ME?
JOHN: yes.
KARKAT: ABOUT *ME*?
JOHN: about you.
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK ABOUT ME.
JOHN: well...
JOHN: you know, how you feel!
KARKAT: HOW I FEEL.
JOHN: or just...
JOHN: argh, i don't know!
JOHN: it's just been so long since we've seen each other.
JOHN: all sorts of things have happened in that time, and it doesn't feel right to just not even mention any of it!
KARKAT: LIKE WHAT??
JOHN: oh, i don't know karkat, literally anything!
JOHN: i mean, look at you.
JOHN: you are decked out in a tight body suit and have an eyepatch and everything. there is simply no way there isn't something to discuss there.
JOHN: or like, forget the eyepatch, we don't have to talk about the eyepatch.
JOHN: i feel as though my point still stands?
JOHN: there is basically a bottomless well full of stuff to go through.
JOHN: i mean we kind of glossed over it when you brought her up earlier, but what about yiffy?
JOHN: this might not come across so easily due to human troll cultural boundaries, but her existing is kind of a big deal??
JOHN: i feel like somehow i missed the part where we all sit around and talk about how strange it is that two of our friends went off and had a secret child without any of us knowing!
JOHN: is it too much to ask that we have that part now, karkat?
JOHN: i mean, maybe it just doesn't mean that much to you.
KARKAT: JOHN.
JOHN: which is a little strange, given that it ties in to the whole conflict that you had with jade and dave.
JOHN: oh god we have to talk about dave.
KARKAT: JOHN.
KARKAT: FUCKING HELL!
KARKAT: I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT DAVE.
JOHN: no, this is what i mean, karkat.
JOHN: we need to talk about dave!
KARKAT: HAHA! LIKE SHIT WE DO!!
KARKAT: I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE HOW THIS IS EVEN A RELEVANT TOPIC OF CONVERSATION.
JOHN: oh come on.
JOHN: there's no way you aren't feeling kind of messed up about him, right?
JOHN: i know i am.
JOHN: whenever i think about how things ended between you two...
JOHN: especially now that he's...
JOHN: ugh, i'm sorry. i'm SO sorry karkat. sorry doesn't even begin to cover it.
JOHN: this whole thing feels so impossibly sad.
JOHN: all i'm trying to say is...
JOHN: it's not healthy to bottle these feelings up and not acknowledge them.
JOHN: even if you aren't feeling anything right now, and i don't for a moment believe that's true, *i* need to talk about dave!
JOHN: so can we please just talk about dave for a moment.
KARKAT: NNNNGNGNGGGGGGGUUUUUUGUUGHHHHHHHH FINE.
KARKAT: IF IT WILL GET YOU TO SHUT UP ABOUT THIS TOPIC FOR EVEN A BRIEF MOMENT, THEN FINE.
KARKAT: REGARDLESS OF HOW POINTLESS AN EXERCISE I CONSIDER IT TO BE, I WILL DISCUSS WITH YOU MY "FEELINGS" ABOUT DAVE.
JOHN: okay.
JOHN: thank you.
KARKAT: ARE YOU PREPARED TO BE INUNDATED WITH NONE OTHER THAN AN UNINTERRUPTED SPATE OF HARD, UNEMBELLISHED DATA VIS A VIS MY SWEEPS-SUPPRESSED, BISCUITFELT EMOTIONS ON THE DAVE SITUATION??
KARKAT: WELL HERE GOES.
KARKAT: *DEEP BREATH*
KARKAT: YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW I REALLY FEEL ABOUT DAVE?
KARKAT: HOW I FEEL IS THAT I WISH THAT EVERYONE WOULD STOP FUCKING BOTHERING ME ABOUT HIM!!!
KARKAT: ALRIGHT, SO HE AND JADE GOT HUMAN MARRIED!! BIG DEAL!!!
KARKAT: DO PEOPLE FORGET THAT I WAS THERE?? I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE IS FORGETTING THAT I WAS LITERALLY INVITED TO THE OCCASION.
KARKAT: I'VE EVEN COME TO EXPECT THIS KIND OF AMNESIAC BEHAVIOR FROM EVERYONE ELSE, SINCE I ADMIT THAT I DIDN'T EXACTLY STICK AROUND OR ACTUALLY SHOW MY FACE FOR MOST OF THE ORDEAL, BUT YOU EGBERT SHOULD HAVE NO FUCKING EXCUSE!
JOHN: wait, karkat, that's not what i
KARKAT: SO YEAH! THAT WHOLE THING HAPPENED, AND I CAME TO TERMS WITH WHATEVER THERE WAS TO COME TO TERMS WITH, WHICH WAS FUCKING *NOTHING*, AND THEN I GOT ON WITH THE ACTUAL IMPORTANT BUSINESS OF TRYING TO PREVENT THE WORLD FROM CRUMBLING!
KARKAT: WHICH, NOW THAT WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT, IS *STILL FUCKING HAPPENING*!
KARKAT: I AM UTTERLY APPALLED THAT THIS IS AN INFO MORSEL I KEEP HAVING TO SPOONFEED DOWN YOUR WINDCHUTE EVERY FIVE SECONDS, JOHN, I REALLY AM.
KARKAT: I MEAN HOLY SHIT, NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR THIS!
KARKAT: AND ONE THING I CAN SAY WITH ABSOLUTE IRONCLAD CERTAINTY IS THAT IF DAVE WERE HERE, HE WOULD SAY THE SAME THING!!
KARKAT: SPEAKING OF WHICH, WHERE *IS* DAVE??
JOHN: um.
KARKAT: I FEEL LIKE IF ANYONE COULD HAVE PREVENTED TODAY FROM DEVOLVING INTO A HEADLESS CLUSTERFUCK, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN... OKAY, MAYBE NOT HIM, BUT AT LEAST HE MIGHT HAVE HELPED DRAG YOU OUT OF YOUR DEPRESSIVE FUGUE A LITTLE SOONER!
JOHN: (oh shit.)
KARKAT: NOT ONLY THAT, BUT MAYBE WITH BOTH OF US HERE WE COULD HAVE DISPENSED WITH THIS ENTIRE SORRY TOPIC ONCE AND FOR ALL, IF ONLY FOR YOUR BENEFIT!
KARKAT: OH HI DAVE, JOHN SEEMS TO BE UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT THE UNSPOKEN HISTORY BETWEEN US IS OF SUFFICIENT IMPORT THAT WE NEED TO HASH IT OUT THIS VERY SECOND IN FRONT OF THE BLASTED REMAINS OF HIS HOME!
KARKAT: yo karkat that does seem to be a strange thing for my best friend john to be concerned about given that he has spent the past five years wallowing in the depths of deepest divorce fever
KARKAT: and especially since jade and i have meanwhile been working as part of your resistance with no complaints, but sure, we can brofist each other and arrange our limbs in an unambiguously platonic way
KARKAT: a way which is also flawlessly calculated to communicate to everyone present that here are two guys who are totally and unequivocally over each other
JOHN: (oh god. you don't...)
KARKAT: THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA DAVE, AND WITH THAT MAYBE THAT WAY WE CAN WASH OUR TOUCH STUMPS OF THIS WHOLE ORDEAL AND NEVER HAVE TO SPEAK OF IT AGAIN!
KARKAT: WOULD YOU LIKE THAT, JOHN?
KARKAT: WOULD THAT SATISFY YOUR CRAVING FOR CATHARSIS ON THE SUBJECT OF DAVE??
KARKAT: WELL WHY DON'T WE TRY IT THEN.
KARKAT: IN FACT, WHY DON'T YOU CALL DAVE AND GET HIM OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!
JOHN: (oh my god...)
KARKAT: MAYBE WE SHOULD GET JADE TO COME AS WELL!
JOHN: ):
KARKAT: FUCK, WHY NOT INVITE FUCKING EVERYONE!!!
KARKAT: WHY NOT PRESS "PAUSE" ON THE RACE WAR FOR A MOMENT AND HAVE ONE HUGE FEELINGS JAM LAWNMEAL WHERE WE ALL PUBLICLY EXPATIATE OUR VARIOUS CONVOLUTED EMOTIONS.
KARKAT: FORGET PEACE TALKS, GET FUCKING *CROCKER* TO COME!
KARKAT: MAYBE THE SIGHT OF A DAVEKAT RECONCILIATION IS THE SECRET KEY TO UNLOCKING THE PART OF HER BRAIN THAT STOPS HER FROM BEING A GENOCIDAL RACIST BITCH!!!
KARKAT: HOW COULD WE HAVE POSSIBLY BEEN SO BLIND!!!!!!
KARKAT: IF GAMZEE WASN'T DEAD, YOU COULD HAVE INVITED HIM AS WELL!
KARKAT: HAHAHA, THAT'S OKAY, WE STILL HAVE A VERITABLE MENAGERIE OF PEOPLE WE KNOW WHO AREN'T DEAD.
JOHN: ))))):
KARKAT: ALL OF WHOM I AM SURE WILL BE SIMPLY DELIGHTED TO ATTEND WHAT WILL UNDOUBTEDLY BE THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT EVENT IN EARTH C'S BULLSHIT HISTORY.
KARKAT: IF THIS IS WHAT IT TAKES, EGBERT, THEN I AM PREPARED TO DO IT!
KARKAT: DON'T THINK THAT I WON'T!!
KARKAT: IF JUST FOR AN *INSTANT* IT WILL GET EVERYONE OFF MY CASE ABOUT THIS, I WILL STAND UP WITH DAVE IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE ***FUCKING WORLD*** AND SOLEMNLY VOW THAT I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT!!!!
JOHN: KARKAT!!!!
JOHN: ugh, fuck, this is just too much!
JOHN: i thought you KNEW!
KARKAT: KNEW WHAT???
JOHN: dave's GONE, karkat!
JOHN: he's...
JOHN: he's dead.
JOHN: i didn't mean for you to find out like this at all, i thought...
JOHN: i mean, i only heard about it yesterday, but i was convinced someone would have told you already!
JOHN: apparently one minute he was there, and the next...
JOHN: none of us even know how it happened, and it doesn't make any sense that he's dead, but he is.
JOHN: he is dead and he's not coming back.
KARKAT:
JOHN: talk to me karkat, please.
JOHN: please talk to me karkat.
KARKAT:
KARKAT: HE...
KARKAT: HE DIDN'T EVEN SAY GOODBYE?